 |
 |
It is truly amazing that some clubs never manage to train new divers and this is one of those clubs. Thanks to a collective lack of understanding in the basic principles of looking after new members, divulging information to them and trying to propagate the club diving ethos. The lone Lyme Bay Diver and his gang are singuarly good at taking many potential divers and turning them against the sport for ever. To see why, take for example a typical winter seasons timetable for training in the local pool which consists (for trainees) of turning up and being ignored, and hour long lecture followed by an hour in the pool, during both of which nothing will be learnt, then followed by going down to the pub and being ignored for a second time.
Week |
Lecture |
Lecturer |
| Week 1 | Intro to the club & Basic Equipment. Essentially a load of bullshit about a fictitious club designed to entice trainees to stay beyond week 1 and part with their money, followed by 45 minutes on snorkles and other bits and pieces that you will never use. Major omissions include masks, fins, weight belts & knives. | Old
Scrotum who still uses a pre WWII fire extinguisher & gasmask
assembly for kit |
| Week 2 | SCUBA - How to choose the right colour cylinder and a regulator capable of diving under the polar ice cap with out freezing up because you will never need one. Major omissions - cylinder types, sizes, stamps & markings, testing and how to look after them. BCD's, Anything about 1st or 2nd stages, HP or LP ports, configuration. No mention of how to connect the three together or use them is made. | Motormouth
who has an out of date cylinder and a leaking stab jacket to sell
to the uninitiated |
| Week 3 | Protective Clothing, Underwater Signals and Rescue. 3 lectures compacted into one to save classroom time and therefore money. Very little said about any of these as an unqualified trainee is asked to give the lecture as all the instructors have either left the club or can't be bothered. Major omissions - dry suits, wet suits and semi-dry suits. Underwater signals and how to rescue someone | Bald
Eagle who knows everything about nothing and nothing about everything |
| Week 4 | Dive Tables and Avoiding a DCI. Lots of mention about computers and the need not to know tables anymore. Apparently according to the lone Lyme Bay Diver, you will get bent if you don't buy a super carlos fandango dive computer for an over inflated price from him which he is selling 'cheap'. This scares trainees shitless and half part with their money, the rest leave the course. Major omissions - you can buy one of these outdated and redundant computers for a tiny fraction of the price on the internet. Dive tables and how to work them are totally missed out | The
lone Lyme Bay Diver who never did understand how to work out his
BT's, SI's, ABT's, RNT's or RG's or his arse from his elbow |
| Week 5 | First Aid. In which everyone catches Hepatitus A, B & C from the Recussi Annies because Numptie forgets to wipe them between AV blows. Major omissions - how to save someone in any situation at all. | Numpty
who has his own personal inflatable Annie that he practices on
every night |
| Week 6 | Physics and the Diver, Respiration & Circulation, Women & Diving. Actually, again 3 lectures in one night as they are all unimportant and no one understands physics and all that biological stuff. Also the club has run out of money and can only hire the class room for one more night. | Rancid
Pasty and his faithfull assistant Magnificent Maureen |
| Week 7 | Exams - An easy peasy paper set by the lone Lyme Bay Diver that even a 5 year old could pass. This makes their success rate look good if anyone ever stayed the course and took the paper. But then a 100% pass rate no mater how many took it looks good if presented the right way. | The
Lone Lyme Bay Diver who wouldn't know the answers to the exam
if they hit him in the face |
|
Of course, after lectures each evening there is pool training for an hour. This means 45 minutes while the kit is sorted out and a few working bits salvaged from it all and made to (sort of) work while instructors squabble over who get the crumpet in the pool, 5 minutes in the water while weightbelts are sorted out and before the unfilled cylinders run out, 10 minutes pulling half drowned trainees out of the water and practicing AV & CPR for real, and 3 minutes getting changed before the headlong rush to the pub where trainees will be totally ignored, underhand schemes will be schemed, unofficial committee meetings of the clique will happen, and generally bad feeling will be cultivated. Is it any wonder that of the dozen or motre trainees per session the club take on, few if any will ever have any chance of progerssing to become competent or skilled divers? |
||
Do you fancy training with this bunch of loosers? If not stay with us and continue delving into the pits of club diving and revel in the delights of their other persuits. Click on the sections below to find out more.
The
Cast
A
day out diving
A weekend away
The committee meeting
Want to learn to dive with a real club? Then check out
