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It always started the same. Happy jovial banter and comraderie, but always ended the same way as well - alienated people, bad feeling, nothing achieved and 2 or 3 less members. So ran the sorry tale of just about every monthly committee meeting. Here is the typical transcript of just one such meeting held on a freezing and wet evening in the old converted pigsty the club called home on the lone Lyme Bay Divers haunted estate.
Old Scrotum "I call this meeting to order eeehhhh, who said that?"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "1st on the adjenda I would like to raise the price of diving again by about 27% to cover the cost of the 2nd hand obsolete broken widescreen TV the club should buy from me as it would be really useful to plan club trips to Lower Volta"
Rancid Pasty "As treasurer I don't think we should d...."
Old Scrotum "Out of Order!!! Ehhh"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Yes, Out of Order! Give me your cheque book now!! Do I hear a seconder, thank you spot on the wall, well thats passed then, £45 to do the baggi and the TV will be £2340.00. Treasurer, I will write the checque to myself right now so don't argue or you are black balled from my, err, our club!"
Old Scrotum "The 2nd thing on the adjenda is the state of the boats. They are falling to bits, need new engines, trailers, tubes and hulls. As Dive Officer I can't possibly let them go to sea in that state as it might damage my hearing aid. Eeeehhhhh"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Out of Order. We can't afford to repair them as we have the TV to buy. Can I have a seconder for that, thank you dog shit on the floor, passed."
Numpty "My shoe lace is undone and my dad isn't here to tie it up, can some one help"
Old Scrotum "Out of Order eehhh!!!"
Motormouth "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Old Scrotum "eeehhhh?"
Motormouth "I said Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Old Scrotum "Out of Order eeeehhhhh"
Bald Eagle "Please can I be trainee arse licker of the year"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Can I have a seconder for that? Thank you cracked window, passed."
Numpty "Can anyone tell me what a regulator is used for?"
Motormouth "As training officer, I will guess that it is probably but not always best to have one in a light blue colour like the one the bloke on that diving program just after Blue Peter used when we were watching the diving program where they blew up that ship in the USA like the one we were going to raise £120000 for to do here in Slyme Bay so that we could go scalloping when we didn't find it to raise money to pay for some new club kit to replace the one stolen by someone that day we were in the bar and I ordered a Blue Lagoon and Hawaiin Coconut Cocktail after we were left adrift when the engine broke down on the Tuesday after the training meeting was cancelled because it rained and ..."
Old Scrotum "Eeehhhhh??"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Shut up Motormouth. Now, I want to come to my next decision that I have already taken without consultation. I want to ban anyone from the club who ever questions my judgement on anything what-so-ever and I have already changed the constitution to that affect"
Old Scrotum "Eeeehhhh?"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Out of Order!! You are banned for life Old Scrotum"
Numpty "But I really don't thi....."
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Out of Order!! You are banned as well"
Motormouth "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "And you, banned!!"
Bald Eagle "But soon we won't have any divers left oh great and mighty one."
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Out of order, you're banned from my club"
Rancid Pasty "But I thought it was our club?"
lone Lyme Bay Diver "Out of Order, Banned, Banned, Banned, Its my club and I don't want any of you in it as you are all as evil as Sadam Hussain, who is in my club as he is my brother. Meowe Woof Woff Must go and wash my socks la di da di da Wheetabix"
In distance we hear the rapidly approaching sound of the barmy bus from the local nut house who are coming to take away the poor sad old lone Lyme Bay Diver, for thankfully someone has called the authorities to take him into care. The committee are left wondering where to go next in their quest to keep the sinking club afloat.
Old Scrotum " I call the next meeting for the first Tuesday of next month. Any questions? Eeehhh?
A poor underwelmed trainee in the far darkest corner puts her arm up. "Can I just ask, I have been in this club for just over a year now, when can I do my first dive please?"
So, do you fancy being on a committee with this bunch of loosers? If not stay with us and continue delving into the pits of club diving and revel in the delights of their other persuits. Click on the sections below to find out more.
The
Cast
A
day out diving
Training evenings
A weekend away
Please stay tuned to this site for future episodes of the sad and sorry tale of the Lone Lyme Bay Diver.
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